Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day

Here we go with another Hallmark holiday. My family, pretty much, knows that anything Packers will be a hit with me, but there are those times when they forget, don't have time or (worst of all) think I have enough Packer stuff.
How many of you got that underwear repair kit? It might be better than a lot of the usual gifts like ties (especially the cartoon ties), the all in one tools you never find a use for, the World's Best Dad hat, tie, ribbon, mug, trophy etc., etc., etc. How bout that bottle of Old Spice? You can add it to your collection you keep in a box out in the garage. Any one get that home made coupon? Any one collect on that coupon?
Some of these gifts are given (somewhat) subconsciously. You know the ones. The ab rollers, nose hair trimmers and odor eaters. Okay, maybe not subconsciously. That bottle of Old Spice could even fit into this category.
Then there is the 'get to busy' gifts. Those include the lawnmower (if it's a push mower), the shovel, rake or even that screen door you've been thinking of getting around to.
Next is the 'damn, it's Father's Day today' gifts. Those include the 3 pack of smokes, card from the 24 hour gas station, flowers from said gas station or the ever popular lottery tickets. Unless it's a hundred of em, forget the last one, and I quit smoking over two years ago.
Lastly are the ones that really piss me off to get. You know the ones. The 'on the Wal Mart list' gifts. Those are the underwear, socks, shirt or the tie again. You hated those as a kid, what makes people think you like em forty years later?
One year my Wife, Daughter and Son thought it would be fun to take Dad fishing. They didn't know where or what for, but we were going fishing. At that time I hadn't been fishing in years, so nobody had the appropriate gear. That was quite the fiasco. Oh, I didn't mention my Wife was squishy about baiting her hook, (she's a pro now) as was my newly teen Daughter and four year old Son. Oh boy! We fished on the shore of a semi popular lake, so the crowd on Father's Day wasn't too bad. I think I got my line in once all afternoon. When I got a bite, some one else had to reel it in as I was busy baiting a hook other than mine. That's the day that is referred to as the day I went baiting. It's better than calling it the Father's Day from hell. We never went baiting on Father's Day after that.
I found these gift ideas over at Funny or Die dot com.
1. Homemade coupon for ineffective backrub
2. Coffee mug reading 'World's Most Secretively Muslim Dad'
3. DVD box set of 12-hour Ken Burns documentary 'Cream of Wheat'
4. Microsoft's Zune Phone 3G
5. Novelty card of fat people fucking
6. Twenty crates of 'Ron Paul '08' bumper stickers
7. Build-A-Bear designed to resemble child's cooler, wealthier stepfather
8. Steely Dan LPs from the den
9. A shout-out from son during his acceptance speech at Tony Awards
10. Felt-covered shit statue
11. Lethargic handjob from Mom
12. Relocation to cheaper nursing home
So things could be worse.
This year my holiday is turning out pretty darn good. My Wife is fast asleep, as she works tonight. My Son called me from D.C., so we had a good long chat about absolutely nothing important. He works at a consevative thinktank out there, so we have a good time slamming libruls. I'm dvring a NASCAR race for later tonight, with popcorn of course. Later this week I'm going across the river, out to Wisconsin, to celebrate a belated Father's Day with my Daughter, Son inlaw and their six offspring. I think that makes for a darn good Father's Days. Thanks Hallmark.

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